Sometimes life hands us a gift and if we're wise, we embrace the gift and pull it down deep into hearts and say thanks. A week ago Sunday morning, Auri called me from Salt Lake, bubbling over with excitement to tell me that her boyfriend Trent, who I'd never met, had proposed to her the night before and that they were going to be getting married in six days. Although I wasn't sure in that moment that this was much of a gift, I came to realize this past weekend that it was and one of the most beautiful gifts I've ever had at that.
From the moment that I first looked into Trent's eyes Friday evening, I knew that everything was going to be OK and that Auri had chosen wisely and beautifully and that all that was left for me to do was to love him too and bless them both in their journey together.
To some parents, this Pearl Jam and hip-hop loving soccer player in his mid twenties with hoops in both ears and tattoos on both of his shoulder blades, might be their worst nightmare. But to me, he's the fulfillment of all of my heart's desires for Auri and her happiness. Trent is a gentle, beautiful young man soft-spoken and kind and possessed of a heart that's wide open and caring. Every last little gesture and nuance of his speaks unflinchingly as to his love and affection for Auri.
From the time our children are born, most of us are consumed with trying to give them the best of everything we can teaching them what we think they need to know and pointing them in the directions we think will best serve them, forgetting sometimes as I have, that they do grow up and have to be allowed to make choices for themselves. I realized this past weekend in watching Auri and Trent together, that my baby had indeed grown up and that she's fully capable of making wise choices completely on her own now. And that it's totally OK for me to let go. She knows what she's doing and she knows where her heart is. And I'm not sure that any parent could ever hope for more than that.
After nearly twenty five years of planning, catering, decorating, photographing and flowering other peoples weddings, it was really quite something to suddenly be doing it all for Auri's wedding. With only six days to get it all put together, I had to draw on all of my creative and experiential powers to get it accomplished. But with Auri and Teri's help, we pulled it off without so much as a bump or a hitch.
Even when it started to rain a half hour before the ceremony was to have begun in Teri's backyard, I calmly reminded myself and everybody else, that rain on a wedding is a sign of good luck. The rain passed, the sun pushed through the clouds for a few minutes and Auri and Trent were married at the mouth of Little Cottonwood Canyon in the Rocky Mountains, in a beautiful, intimate ceremony with family and best friends looking on.
As we were shopping for food the evening before the wedding, Teri and I decided that we couldn't really give our daughter away. So as I walked Auri down the steps of the backyard and over to Trent for the ceremony on Saturday, I stopped for a moment to let everyone know that Teri and I weren't giving our daughter to Trent but just sharing her with him. I honored Teri for being the most perfect mother that's ever lived and told our family and friends that when I looked in Trent's eyes the evening before, I saw everything there I needed to see and knew that Auri would be OK.
And then I turned to Auri and reminded her of the blessing I had given her in church when she was just a few days old. A blessing that promised her that she would bring joy and happiness into the lives of all those she would ever meet. It's obvious to me that the blessing stuck and so I thought it would be a good idea to give her another one now on this special occasion. And this time I blessed her that she would always know where her heart was, as she did in this moment. I welcomed Trent into the family with a kiss and a hug, kissed Auri gently on the cheek so as not to muss her makeup and then left them there to be married.
About an hour before the ceremony, Trent looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I was ready to give my daughter away. Until that moment, I'd been doing really good at holding it all together. But when he spoke those words to me, I felt all of the emotions in my heart come screaming forward and I just stood there in front of him and started crying. And I didn't quit crying until well after the ceremony was over. I had no idea there was so much emotion going on inside of me. Every time I looked at Auri, I started crying. I'd walk into the kitchen where she was waiting patiently for the rain to pass, start crying and have to leave the room. Then I'd think I had it together and I'd walk back in the kitchen and have to walk right back out again. I'd go out onto the deck where Trent was waiting and I'd look at him and start crying. I looked at Teri and started crying. Hell, I think I even looked at the cat at one point and started crying. There was just no stopping it. My heart was full to overflowing and I finally gave in and just let it rip.
I kept reminding myself that I was the father of the bride and given the peculiar nature of who I am, I had every god-given right (and a cultural duty) to cry at my only daughter's wedding. Unfortunately, I'm not necessarily at my prettiest when I've been crying and a few of the pictures reflect that sad truth. Be that as it may, I know that the tears were coming from the great happiness I was feeling in my heart. And that makes the red puffy eyes an acceptable collateral casualty.
Auri was resplendent in the white ensemble that she picked out in the days before the wedding but waited until I arrived to purchase. (Hmmm) She and her best-friend Erica picked me up at the airport early Friday afternoon and we went straight to the mall to do some shopping. Her floor-length skirt was a soft white satin with a krenilin slip that gave it just a little bit of a flair at the bottom. At Banana Republic, she'd found a sheer white linen top that was shoulderless and backless and tied at the neck and the waist. I think Auri knew that dad was going to have to spring for the wedding dress because mom would never have approved of something so utterly daring and revealing for her to get married in. But it was perfect. And Auri knew it and I knew it.
I didn't even ask how much it cost I just kept praying that my credit card was healthy enough to handle it, whatever it might be. As it turned out, the white linen shirt that I bought for myself while waiting for Auri to change, ended being twice what her top was. (Now there's a surprise.) We completed the outfit with a pair of white Bandolini flip-flops and a little white clutch covered in silk roses and made our triumphant exit from the mall, only to find that the car to had a flat. So in a matter of minutes, I turned from fashion consultant to good ol dad and got down on my knees and changed the tire.
For something borrowed, which did double duty as something treasured, Trent's mom gave Auri a pearl bracelet set in silver that she'd brought back from Japan when they were living there. And for something blue, Erica supplied the ruffled silk garter. Auri carried three white calla lilies bound with a single white ribbon and her dark, curly hair was pulled up loosely at the sides and fastened at the top with a brown velvet clip.
All in all, it was pure Auri; sexy and simple and utterly beautiful. With two earringed, tattooed, goateed and linen-clad Scorpio men at her side, one giving her away and one taking her in, Auri was a vision in white and every inch a June bride.
After the ceremony, Teri and I fed everybody Involtini alla Romana (thinly sliced beef & prosciutto roll-ups cooked in a red sauce) that I'd invested the better part of the day preparing. The involtini were accompanied by asparagus tips smothered in lime and butter and a tossed green salad with Italian bread rolls called rosetti. It was all kind of surreal with me and Teri there in the kitchen, back together again cooking up a storm after all these years and serving guests for dinner at our daughter's wedding. I'd gone into this whole thing with a little bit of trepidation, since for the last eleven years since we divorced, Teri and I have only spent at most, a couple of hours together and have had at best, a guarded relationship. But we had a lot of fun, laughing and reminiscing and getting caught up in the excitement of Auri's big day.
During our eleven years together, Teri and I never once called each other by our real names and it's been challenging over the years to get used to calling each other Teri and Tom. So just when we're starting to finally get comfortable with calling each other by our real names, Teri slips and calls me honey while we're talking about which plates to use for dessert. I knew it was coming I just didn't know which one of us it would be who would trip up first. I wanted to point out to Teri that she'd just called me honey but chose discretion instead and stood there smiling silently to myself. It was a great moment though and one that I won't soon forget. Listen, you take the healing however it comes and be glad for it.
After everybody was fed, we found ourselves having to shoo the newlyweds away since after living together for six months, they seemed in no hurry to get on with the business of the wedding night. Those of us who were still there when they left, each grabbed a handful of environmentally incorrect rice, (birds eat it and choke on it) and tossed it over Auri and Trent's heads as they raced for their vintage 1978 Jeep Wagoneer. With Auri sitting behind the wheel, I heard someone ask, "What's that all about - why is Auri driving?" I calmly responded that that was about not getting a DUI on your wedding night. And off they went to the romantic bed & breakfast that Auri's friends Jim and Janet had given them as a wedding present. You know, the kind with the jacuzzi tub and the dual shower heads and stuff.
I suppose that just about the last thing most newlyweds would want, is to have one of their parents around for the first few days of married life. But Auri and Trent insisted that I stick around and spend Sunday and Monday with them. So I did. I gave them plenty of chances to get rid of me but they wouldn't have it. I stayed at their place Saturday night and about noon on Sunday, they came home from the bed & breakfast and the three of us crawled onto the bed together where we snuggled up and talked about computers and life and stuff. A little later on we went to a soccer game that Trent's best man Gabriel was playing in. Along with Gabe's wife Liz, we spread our blankets out on the grass and laid there in the warm sun and watched two teams from the local Mexican soccer league kick a ball around for two hours. Trent patiently tutored me on the game of soccer and I did my best to try and figure out what the excitement was all about. But all the while, all I could think about was how special it felt to be sharing this first day of Auri and Trent's new life together.
The five of us went out for an early dinner after the ball game and then returned back to their little apartment where we watched a basketball game on TV while listening to some hip-hop music at the same time. Auri assured me that this was how it was done with the boys. Somehow, it all seemed to make perfect sense.
When Auri was thirteen hours old, I laid her on my chest with my arms wrapped lightly around her and the two of us took a nap together on the floor of our home in Salt Lake. And we've been taking little naps together ever since. This past Saturday morning, a few hours before she was to be married, Auri and I snuggled together in her bed and took a little cat nap before getting on with the affairs of her wedding day. And then on Monday morning, Auri came downstairs to the sofa where I was sleeping and crawled in under my blanket and laid there spooned in next to me for awhile.
We've always known where to find each other and we've always known where each other's heart is. And though Auri is all grown up now and making a life of her own with Trent, it's nice to know that I can still hold her in my arms once in awhile and be her big, strong daddy. Neither of us has ever had much use for the rules and conventions that govern other people's lives because our hearts always seem to tell us where we need to be and what we need to be doing.
And that's why I knew, as Auri and Trent and I said our goodbyes at the airport Monday evening, that my baby was going to be just fine. She was following her heart and her heart had led her to Trent. And somewhere there in their love, is life being as perfect as it knows how to be.
Tom
Father Of The Bride
June, 2001
